Character CD 8: China

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Shinatty: Hey lazy, wake up! Wake up!

China: (mumbles in his sleep and snores lightly)

Shinatty: Youíre going to miss this beautiful morning if you keep lying around in bed! So wake up, wake up right now!

China: (mumbling) Meow...meow...k-kitty...look at all the kitties...~

Shinatty: Well, I didnít want to do this, but youíve left me no choice!

[dislocates his shoulder]

China: Aiyaaaaah! (gasps in pain) What the hell is wrong with you, you stupid idiot?! What the heck did you do to my arm?!

Shinatty: Donít worry about it; Shinattyís Disabling Touch is only temporary!

China: What a useless skill! Owie, owie, owie... As if I didnít have enough on my plate; Iíve been working through the night, the least you could have done was wake me up gently! Fix my arm NOW, hurry up!

Shinatty: Youíre forgetting one very important thing! Hard labor is a perfect chance for a man to realize his responsibility!

China: Wh-What in the world is wrong with you today?

Shinatty: Itís true Iím nothing but a counterfeit, but still, Iíve got a family back home to support.

China: Very interesting... (grunts as he flops back into bed)

Shinatty: Now that you understand, have a look at this!

China: (sighs in annoyance) Leave me alone! I dreamt I was sitting under a peach blossom tree next to the river, playing my bamboo flute while these cute little birds flew around... Just let me finish! Oh...a calendar...what about it?

Shinatty: The Spring Festival!

China: Yeah, so?

Shinatty: What do you mean Ďyeah, soí?! The entire country is preparing for their annual trip! Louder guys, louder! Drill it into this lazy guyís head! Louder! LOUDER!

Crowd: Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!


Japan: The first month of the Lunar Year is when China celebrates the Spring Festival; during this time, many people travel back to their hometowns. The traffic is always a complete nightmare, so be careful not to plan a trip to China around this time unless you want to want to observe the population instead of the landmarks.


China: (growls) What are you trying to say? I live here, I donít need to go back to anywhere, so just let me sleep!

Shinatty: Fine old man, you donít have to come; Iíll just go back to Szechwan by myself, I havenít been there in nearly eight years!

China: Eight years, really? Wait, you called me an old man just now, didnít you?

Shinatty: Every day, I dream of returning to my hometown...

China: Your...hometown?

Shinatty: I lived in an old, historic town; it was peaceful and quiet, very warm and comforting. Even though we were poorer than any other family I knew, I was still thankful to have a beautiful wife and daughter. My wife and I worked hard everyday to put our child through high school, however, we still didnít have enough money to send her to college. Her only option was to work chaotic hours at a nearby factory. I promised both of them that Iíd make their dreams come true, that Iíd find work and make more money in Beijing Ė [disappointed] but the big city is relentless; Iíve been here for eight years and still have nothing to show for it...

China: So...thatís why you came to Beijing...and all this time Iíve been so selfish...

Shinatty: Well, thatís what Iíd like to say anyway...

China: So none of that was true?!

Shinatty: Not really; Iím sure Iíll find a beautiful bride someday! The truth is I grew up in a Beijing alleyway, and now I live in a small apartment on the noisiest side of the city. The Spring Festival is so boring here though, so I want a hometown all to myself so I can pretend to go back! Canít you make some arrangements with your boss?

China: Why would I do something like that? Especially for someone who was so rude to me this morning! I still canít move right...

Shinatty: Eh heh, sorry about that. Iíll make it up to you by telling you something top secret!

China: Ooh, what is it? No, donít tell me!

Shinatty: Theyíre planning on building a Disney (coughs loudly to avoid copyright issues) in Shanghai; I stole some of the floor plans for you!

China: Put those back!

Shinatty: Then what can I do to earn your favor...? Oh! Itís me! You want to hug me, donít you?

China: cute! B-But Iím not falling for that trick!

Shinatty: But Iím so adorable! I mean, just look at me!

China: Sparkly... (squeals) I want a huuuuuug Ė AH! No way, Iím not doing it!

Shinatty: (laughs) My butterfly shaped ribbon is charming, isnít it? And look! Itís red, your favorite color! Red is lucky, isnít it? Maybe touching it will give you eternal happiness!

China: (breathing heavily) C-Can it really? Uwaaaa, I...Iím not listening!

Shinatty: Look! Isnít my tummy soft and chubby? One little touch wonít hurt!

China: (squeals) Aaaaahhh, stop it, stop it! Thereís no way thatís going to work!

Shinatty: Oh, alright; letís go out and do some Tai Chi then.

China: Okay, sounds good.

Shinatty: Well you got over that pretty quickly...

China: Well I wouldnít have lasted this long as a nation if I didnít know how to let go of a grudge, you know?


Shinatty: (satisfied sigh) The sunís nice and bright; this is a perfect day for Tai Chi!

China: Uh, before you forget, do you think you can fix my arm now? Come on, itís a little gross looking when it just shakes there...

Shinatty: You know, the way your arm looks reminds me of the fighting stance of that Hong Kong movie star!

China: Oh yeah! He was pretty cool, wasnít he? (pauses) [brightly] But this is seriously pissing me off~

Shinatty: Well thereís nothing I can do.

China: Aiyaaaaah! Wha-What do you...didnít you...I...wha...EHHHHHHHH?!

Shinatty: There are many obstacles in the course of oneís life, but one little personís suffering isnít going to throw the worldís cosmos out of whack. Youíll just have to grin and bear it, itíll pass when it passes; thatís just how life goes~

China: What are you talking about you loud mouthed idiot?! If you canít do it, then get me a doctor! Doctor, now, hurry up!

Shinatty: If I had the money to see a doctor, Iíd rather go play Mahjong.

China: I know itís really expensive, but what else am I supposed to do? Doctor! I canít do Tai Chi like this!

Taiwan: Shut up teacher!

China: T-Taiwan...!

Taiwan: Please, you need to keep quiet when youíre in public areas like this! If youíre too noisy, youíll scare away all the birds and make the flowers die...

Shinatty: Please forgive us; the old manís gone a bit crazy, he was having flashbacks about his childhood!

China: Iím not an old man! Iím young, cool, and hip!

Taiwan: ĎCool and hip?í That just dates you even more... But whatís wrong with you teacher? Your stance...are you trying to be like that handsome star from Hong Kong?

China: Just what the hell about this reminds people of that stupid Hong Kong star? That guy in the...c-(squeals) cute costume did this to me! Oh, itís so cute! But I CANíT HUG IT!

Taiwan: You do know thatís a counterfeit, right? I have a lot of Hello Ki...(mumbles to avoid copyright) at my house, but Iíll need to ask Mr. Americaís permission before I can let you have any.

China: Thatís not my main concern...but I still want to hug them later; I need a doctor right now so I can move my arm again!

Taiwan: (giggles) Teacherís going crazy!

China: I told you! Iím young, cool, and hip!

Shinatty: (laughs) The old manís living in the past again!

China: SHUT UP!

Taiwan: (laughs) Well, you are a grandpa, arenít you?

China: Shut up, show some respect for your big brother!

Shinatty: Donít get so upset, youíre no fun like this! Tell you what; Iíll give you something secret that I found yesterday night, so donít be angry!

China: I donít want a piece of garbage you found on the street!

Taiwan: How about I give you something secret that I found yesterday night?

China: Just what are you two doing with your spare time? Either way, I donít want any of it! You canít win me over with Ďsecretsí!

Taiwan: Teacher, youíre really stubborn, arenít you?

Shinatty: Oh thatís right; you want ME donít you?

China: Aiyaaah... I canít take this anymore. I never thought that a conversation about the Spring Festival would end up like this... FINE! Iím going to Hong Kong so I can become a famous movie star and makes tons of cash! Iím headed out, so see you whenever!

Taiwan: Oh? You want your arm fixed, right teacher?

China: Yes! Whatíd you think I was talking about?!

Taiwan: Ooooh, I thought you did this because you thought it was the new style and wanted people to think you were cool! Anyway, you should have said something earlier! I can help, watch this okay? Are you ready?

China: Huh?

Taiwan: Alright, letís go! Donít move, okay? Hyoooooooo!

[pops his shoulder back into place, but twists his back in the process]


Random Guy: What the hell was that, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

Taiwan: Well that wasnít too bad! And look, youíre all better teacher!

China: (groans and coughs) Who knew...that Taiwan was so strong...? Ugh...

Random Guy: That was amazing Miss!

Taiwan: You think so? Do you want me to do it to you too?

Random Guy: Oh yes please!

Taiwan: Okay~! It might hurt a little though...

Random Guy: Oh...r-really?

Shinatty: I think Iíll go find that cold compress for you...

China: Itís all your fault, you... (whimpers) Aah! I just remembered that someoneís supposed to come to my house today! I canít play with you two anymore Ė Iíve got to go prepare some food! Stupid, stupid, stupid!


Japan: Letís see...after I turn this corner I should be on the exact street that leads to Chinaís house... (grunts as he bumps into Finland)

Finland: Whoa!

Japan: old bones canít take this kind of stress...

Finland: Ah! Iím so sorry! I should have been paying more attention to where I was going!

Japan: No, itís alright! I wasnít paying attention either.

Finland: Huh? Youíre...Japan, right?

Japan: Huh?

Finland: Aah! Iím Finland! I never thought Iíd see you around here; what a coincidence!

Japan: Ah, Finland! How have you been?

Finland: Iíve been well! How about you?

Japan: Iím alright; but, what brings you here? You live up in the north, donít you?

Finland: Yes, normally, but during the Christmas season, I like to travel all over the world!

Japan: That must be taxing... Youíre always so busy around Christmas, arenít you? I know the feeling.

Finland: How do you celebrate Christmas at your place Japan? Up north, we burn Yule Logs and hang colorful decorations on our windows; itís really very beautiful! We even have Advent Calendars!

Japan: see...


Store Owner: Alright team! This yearís going to be the best and most profitable Christmas ever!



Japan: Either like this, or...


Random Guy: (laughs airily) Weíre spending our Christmas night at a pointlessly extravagant restaurant~!

Random Guyís Girlfriend: (laughs airily) I hope you got me a present~!


Japan: Like that...

Finland: Whatís wrong Japan?

Japan: Oh, nothing! Sorry... Itís just, I donít think our Christmas celebrations have as much spiritual significance as yours.

Finland: I see... Oh! Where are you headed to?

Japan: Chinaís invited me to his house for some afternoon tea; what about you Finland?

Finland: Iím spreading the Christmas cheer! Here you go everyone!

Japan: Christmas cheer? What do you mean? Oh...itís a greeting card with a Christmas tree...

Finland: When I heard that China banned anyone from owning a tree, I just had to do something about it! I still think itís a real shame, but he never said anything about having pictures of them, right? (to people passing by) Merry Christmas!

Japan: Wow...youíre really serious about this!

Finland: I hope you have a wonderful Christmas Japan! Iíve got to go pass out more cards!

Japan: Please take care!

Finland: See you later!

Japan: Both Italy and Germany have invited me to spend Christmas with them. Iím not exactly looking forward to facing the holiday profit wars all by myself...I think itís about time I took a break from all of that. I hope I can find Chinaís home...I always get lost looking for it...


China: Fold this over on that side, wrap it around here, turn it sideways...

(knock on the door)

Japan: This is Japan! Sorry Iím late!

China: (gasps) Uh...Uhh...

Japan: I...uhh...

China: Youíre finally here! (coughs) I thought maybe you wouldnít show!

Japan: Itís been a long time China; thank you so much for inviting me to your home. But you look a little tired; is everything alright?

China: I just...I donít like seeing how much youíve changed Japan...youíre so different. But uh, (coughs) thanks for your concern!

Japan: Have you been busy? Something smells really good...

China: Iíve cooked all of your favorite food! It should be ready in a minute.

Japan: Thank you; Iím really hungry!

China: Itís not like you to be so late; what were you doing before you came?

Japan: Finland and I chatted for a bit; I met up with him on the way here.

China: Ooh, heís that kid that lives around Russiaís place! [curious] Whatís he doing here?

Japan: Well...he was passing out Christmas-

China: Christmas?!

Japan: Wh-Whatís wrong?

China: Christmas is another one of those Western celebrations, I donít want to have anything to do with it! Us Asians have to concentrate on honoring Asian traditions! Iíd rather spend my time preparing for New Yearís; I think that Christmas tree ban really did the job, donít you think? Japan?

Japan: Y-Yeah...

China: Perfect! So that means youíll ditch Christmas and prepare for New Yearís with me, right?

Japan: New Yearís?

China: Yeah!

Japan: Well, Iíd like to...but my countryís New Year is based on the Gregorian Calendar...

China: Aiyaaah! What are you talking about? New Yearís is on the same day as the Spring Festival!

Japan: Yes, according to the Chinese calendar, right?

China: What else would I be talking about?!

Japan: Holy crap... Thereís a three week to one month difference between my calendar and Chinaís... If I spend three weeks helping him with his New Yearís, Iíll miss out on the soba noodles and TV specials for my New Yearís... I canít live without those! (groans in frustration)

China: Ai... Whatíre you worrying about Japan? Oh...I get it... If itís inconvenient for you, then we can just forget the whole thing okay? You donít celebrate the Spring Festival anymore, do you?

Japan: I...Iím sorry...

China: Itís no problem! Iíll help you prepare for your New Yearís celebration and you can come over and help me with mine when youíre ready! Win-win!

Japan: Oh, good idea! Iím sure Iíll have some time to come over!

China: Thought so!

Japan: Well Iím glad we figured that out... Looks like the foodís ready, may I start eating?

China: Sure, help yourself!

Japan: Thanks for the meal! (about to eat) Ahh~

China: Stop! Donít eat food from the main platter using your chopsticks! Here, use the little dishes!

Japan: Oh...right, Iíll remember that. Anyway, the bao looks good...oh, but I should add some soy sauce first.

China: AHHH!

Japan: H-Huh?!

China: Donít put too much soy sauce!

Japan: Eh?

China: Youíre eating off a small dish, right? So you should only use a teensy tiny bit of soy sauce to balance the flavor!

Japan: R-Really... Iím sorry about that. Geez...itís been a long time since Iíve eaten with him, but heís still just as strict about food as before... Thanks for theĖ

China: AHHH!

Japan: (growls in frustration)

China: Donít pick up your plate! Thatís a basic rule!

Japan: Right, sorry, Iím putting it down! Iím...gonna eat now...

China: Okay, youíre doing great! Ahh!

Japan: No way! What am I doing wrong this time?!

China: Donít get more food! You havenít finished whatís on your plate! AHHH! shrimp paste is good for you, donít waste it! AHHH! Donít reach over the table like that! STOP, STOP, STOP! Donít spilt the bao in half, just bite into it, itíll taste better!

Japan: O-Okay!

China: Alright, yes! Youíre finally-! AHHH! I told you not to reach over like that, werenít you listening?!

Japan: (trying not to scream in frustration) remind me of...


Asian Parent: You havenít finished your chrysanthemum yet, so you arenít allowed to have any bok choy! Ahh! Donít just pick around for meat! Eat your vegetables too! EAT YOUR VEGETABLES! Hold it, hold it, hold it! You canít put tofu on the same plate as your noodles! What the hell is wrong with you?!


Japan: Just like that...

China: I made you some egg rolls! If you canít finish it, then you can spilt it and put one half back on the platter, but not if it touched your chopsticks~!

Japan: Th-Thank you! (eats and swallows) Theyíre really good...but Iím so full!


China: (sighs happily) That was a super yummy meal~!

Japan: (wheezes) Ií! (wheeze)

China: Howíd you like it Japan? Yummy, right? You can come back next week if you want!

Japan: week is Christmas...

China: Tch! Christmas... I told you I didnít care about that stuff! Iíve got no problem with you coming to eat again next week!


China: I make the best food in the world, donít I?

Japan: I agree, Chinaís an amazing cook but...! China! I just remembered that Iíll be busy all next week, so Iíll give you your Christmas present early!

China: Eh? M-More western stuff? B-But if itís a gift from you...I-Iíll accept it...

Japan: Great, thatís all you have to say!

China: Wh-What did you-?

[Japan runs off like a gust of wind]

China: [confused] Whereíd he...? J-Japan? What the hell Japan?! What did you put on my back?!


Japan: China...Iíve...decided to stay with Italy and Germany for Christmas.


China: Japanís gone...but what does it say? ďKono...hito bukyou...desu?Ē What in Godís name does that mean? (tries again in Mandarin) Ugh I give up!

[knock on the door]

China: Huh? Who is it?

Finland: Hello! China are you in there?

China: Who the heck was that? (sighs) What do you want? Are you a delivery boy? Iím kind of pissed right now, so make it quick or Iíll kick your ass back onto the street!

Finland: Uwaah! Please donít! Iím Finland!

China: Finland...? Ugh, what the hell do you want?

Finland: Iíve brought you a Christmas present! I know itís a bit early, but-

China: Another Christmas thing? More western crap...

Finland: Japan sent it to you~

China: What? Japan?

Finland: Yup! Along with this letter!

China: Well then Iíll take it!


Japan: China, Iím sorry for that stupid trick I I got you a real present this time.


China: little brother got me a present~ But what is it? Looks like a box with tiny little doors...

Finland: Itís a Christmas Advent Calendar! We use to count down the days until Christmas; everyday, you open one of the doors to find a little piece of candy or a cookie! It makes waiting for Christmas much more fun!

China: Japan...he really does care about me!

Finland: Usually youíre supposed to start from the first day of December; I hope you donít mind that itís a little late.

China: Of course I donít mind! Since Japan gave it to me, Iíll treasure it forever!

Finland: Great! Then I hope you have a Merry Christmas! See you later!

China: (sighs) that Japanís given me a present, I guess Western celebrations arenít so bad after all~ Now, letís see what kind of yummy snack is behind todayís door~! Wha...?! Th-This isnít a snack... Itís a little Buddha figurine! THATíS HORRIBLE!

[T/N: Not exactly sure why he freaked out so much...anyone want to give some insight?]

Japan: So China...did you like the present?